you live your life as if it's real

I should not be able to walk comfortably outside drinking an iced cap without even wearing a jacket, only a thin sweater, when it's heading fast towards the ides of November. Or, for that matter, when it snowed last week. Mother Nature, what the heck are you on?

But the warm weather did make my errand-doing more pleasant this afternoon, and now I have accomplished many things that I've been putting off. The nice admin people have been given the form they want so that they can administer me what I want (yay money!); my poor, broken watcard with a horrible picture of me has been replaced with a new, shiny watcard with a new horrible picture of me; and my bank account has been plundered to buy me a ticket to the ROM and a bus ticket to Toronto.

The bus ticket to Toronto and the ticket to the ROM are not related, however. It seems that I'm going to Toronto three times in November. That's probably too much, but what can you do? AFI concert, Dead Sea Scrolls (plus a promised tour of the ROM by one of my funniest profs), and Paleography field trip are none of them things I want to give up. Now I just need to figure out a way to fit enough hours of work into this month that I won't have to email my boss and beg for another extension. Because that is something I'm not willing to do.

Anyone care to second the motion to add another week to November? More time before essays (or NaNos) are due? Anyone?

Eh. I'll make it through the month somehow anyways. Hopefully getting everything done that I have to. Speaking of which, I should get back to being productive. Not much left to do for today: translating the rest of Theocritus' Idyll II, finishing my classics assignment, and if time transcribing and translating my latin assignment, and if time after that transcribing and translating some more asclepius. (And, of course, watching House and Castle.)

Man I love Fall back. The extra hour of sleep/lazing around in bed is so nice. And now that I actually feel rested for the first time in I don't know how long, I'm hoping today will be a very productive day. It pretty much has to be. Midterms are over, which means that I'm smack dab in the middle of oh-shit-essays-are-coming-due-and-i-still-don't-know-my-topic. Luckily, I only have two to write this term (that's the least amount of essays I've ever had to write in a term since starting university). However, smaller amount of essays is balanced out by work and transcribing my Asclepius manuscript.

So yeah. Those on my f-list doing NaNoWriMo... I wish you good luck, but no way can I join you. Maybe next year. I'll still be in school (last term) but I shouldn't have many courses, so it may be manageable.

What else is new? Not much. I can do a 2x2 Rubik's Cube now too. Halloween was not quite what I expected, but it was fun, and most importantly it was very different from last year's Halloween. Plus, I got to give out candy to completely adorable children, and that made my day right there. And I got to watch Rocky Horror. Only bummer about the day was that the grocery store was out of pumpkins (except for two or three completely mouldy disgusting ones) so I didn't get to carve a pumpkin this year. Oh well, next year I know to go earlier.

Not much else to report. Next weekend the boy and I are going out for dinner, it's our one year anniversary. How a year passed so fast I'll never know.

I miss my friends that I don't see often.

Bit of a random entry.... oops. Anyways, time to get started on today's to do list:

- roll coins
- assignment on Julius Caesar's young life
- some more Asclepius transcription
- start research for Anacreon essay
- choose topic and start research for Caesar essay
- if time, assignment on Catilinarian conspiracy
- crits for DII (late... my bad)
- post Nov CC thread

Hey caw !

I'm in the library studying eavesdropping on a Morrissey fanboy.

It's delightful.

I just solved a 4x4 Rubik's cube.

It took several hours, yesterday and today. I consider this a good use of time when I have a midterm on Monday and Tuesday.

Yesterday, I was this close to posting a mopey entry begging for happy news or links to cute puppies/kittens/whatever, just to have something to distract me. Yesterday was not so much of a good day. But I refrained, and anyways by the end of the day I didn't need it anymore. So nice to come home after night class to a cup of tea already made for me, a blanket ready, and a warm body to curl up with on the couch. Especially when the warm body is the right one.

Today was better. You can tell because so far I've gone to class, done laundry, written 440 words, poked a poem that needs revising, put the pork out to thaw for dinner, done errands (though not mine, and not many), duct taped the broken foot of my drying rack, and am now writing this. Of course, notably missing from that list are my Asclepius translation for tomorrow, and my Sulla assignment, also for tomorrow. Tomorrow, hopefully, will be better again.

So in the interests of avoiding Asclepius and Sulla for another few minutes, and since I know more than a few of you in my f-list are bibliophiles like me, let me show you a quote that I ran across reading for Latin Paleography.

"I am still in the thrall of one insatiable desire, which hitherto I have been neither able nor willing to check. ... I cannot get enough books. It may be that I have already more than I need, but it is with books as it is with other things: success in acquisition spurs the desire to get still more. ... Books delight us through and through, they talk with us, they give us good counsel, they enter into a living and intimate companionship with us."
-Petrarch (Francesco Petrarca, 1304-74)

I hear you, Petrarch.

Okay... now I really have to get to Asclepius and Sulla. Or! I could start making dinner... After all, the mushrooms are going to go bad very soon, if they aren't already, and to use them up I'm making my mother's beef & mushroom casserole thing (only with pork), and that takes a good 45 mins or so in the oven, and it's heading towards 6 already... And of course if the mushrooms are bad already, I have to come up with a whole plan B...

Making food first. And then I will get to Asclepius and Sulla. Honest.

(As a side note, remember that awesome story I'm not writing yet? This song is so on the playlist for that novel. I tried to illuminate but the shadows kill. I'm overshadowed. See how I blend in with nothing?)

Today's bit of fun from the land of academia!

From the description of Merovingian Chancery Script in one of my Latin Paleography textbooks:

"Often likened to the wanderings of a demented spider this script can achieve a wide variety of standards of legibility."

Hee.

And with that, back to transcribing I go. (Not the Merovingian Chancery. I'm transcribing Luxeuil Miniscule, which has nothing quote-worthy in its description at all.)

I don't want to be a teacher. Those of you on my f-list who know me in person know that I'm generally a shy, soft-spoken person, and probably suspect that's the reason why. It is, but not the only reason. Sure, speaking to several people at once, and having many pairs of eyes on me usually makes me turn bright red (really, really bright red) but even that's not really the reason. I'm most uncomfortable speaking to many people when it's a) my own ideas, and b) unexpected. Like at a gathering when there's a lull in other conversations and all of a sudden my voice and words are the audible ones. Actually instructing people, at least when I'm prepared, doesn't set me off in the same way.

I don't want to be a teacher because I simply feel unsuited to the task. I don't want to teach elementary school because, while I adore kids and spending time with them, I think it's way too important of a job. I don't think I have the combination of patience, fun and innate authority to do well. I don't think I'd like it. And I think it's one of the meanest things to inflict a teacher who doesn't really want to be there on kids. (Plus, admittedly, my dad has said that he thinks I should be a kindergarten teacher, and it bothers me that he said it so definitively.)

I don't want to teach high school because... well, because high school aged kids are a pain. I didn't like high school, I don't want to work in that environment.

I don't want to teach university because I don't want to live in academia forever. I don't want to write a thesis, or academic books no one will read, or articles on obscure topics that only three people in the world know enough about to appreciate. (Slight exaggeration.)

But.... All the jobs I have had so far / currently hold, in rough chronological order:

In Ottawa:
- babysitter
- preschool (ages 1-6) gymnastics coach
- gymnastics camp counselor
- dance teacher (older beginners, ages 7-11)
In Waterloo:
- supply dance teacher
- dance teacher (gold/silver dancers)
- research assistant (proofreading latin)
- Latin 101 TA

And now, apparently, I can add 'private Latin tutor' to the bottom of that list. Which my professor says will be great experience on a resume for getting teaching positions during my MA and PhD. Which I don't want to do.

So the question here is, if I don't want to be a teacher, why the heck are all my jobs teaching jobs? And, does most of my aversion to the idea of teaching come from the fact that I was reprimanded severely in my gymnastic jobs, to the point where it's 50-50 whether or not I quit or was fired? I was trying my best, and it just simply wasn't good enough. I know that has stuck with me.

I want to write, travel, maybe edit, something in that field. Ideally, just write. But I don't know, maybe my resume is trying to tell me something. I do love teaching dance, and I am enjoying being a TA well enough so far. But it's a small group/ one-on-one sort of teaching. I still don't think lecturing to a class is for me.

And that is my rambling for the day. If I end up a teacher/prof one day, you can all point back to this and laugh in my face.

Some things I learned the past weekend, in no particular order:

◘ my body is not 14 anymore. The first dance class in 2 months or so would be a lot less painful if I remembered that and actually warmed up and stretched properly. Also, then I might be able to do stairs the next day without whimpering and looking like I'm 80.
◘ related to the above, the sword is evil.
◘ someone pushing a moped down the sidewalk looks pretty funny.
◘ when you have a horrible headache that's not responding to meds, lying down, drinking water, or turning off all screens and closing your eyes, going outside is a good idea. Yay fresh air and sunlight.
◘ completely unexpected calls from old friends who happen to be in town are awesome!
◘ so is not having anything planned that night, so that you can take said old friend up on their invitation to hang out!
◘ learning complicated strategy board games is actually quite fun.
◘ wasps are evil.
◘ service at Symposium is awful, but the company you go with makes up for it.
◘ the Roman Assemblies were confusing.

Not a comprehensive list. It was quite a lovely weekend. Stay tuned for pictures of my new kilt, now that my outfit is complete! (Yep, got my socks on Saturday!!)

I'm back! And picking up life as usual. The past month was awesome, suffice it to say. There's no way I could recap everything my sister and I got up to on our trip. In a bit when I've gone through the 1100-odd pictures we took, I'll post some of the highlights. Until then... pester me in comments or on msn or wherever for whatever details you want to know.

So, if too much has happened in the last month to recap in any decent length lj post, what now? I guess the last few days.

Got back to Waterloo on Monday afternoon, and have been madly working at whittling away my remaining summer job hours ever since.

Tuesday, the boy and I made the most amazing salmon dinner ever. Seriously, if you like salmon, try it. It was basically this recipe but with a couple modifications. We didn't know what lemon pepper was, so we used lemon juice and pepper. And we used real garlic, minced, instead of garlic powder. And we were generous with the ginger, garlic and lemon juice. Next time, I would even add a bit more ginger. Mmmm ginger.

And oh man. It smelled like something you'd get at a Chinese restaurant. A really good Chinese restaurant.

And when you add to that the fact that the boy started singing made-up words to the Spiderman song so it got stuck in both our heads and everything started to fit to the tune (comfy pants, comfy pants, oh so comfy, my comfy pants.... asparagi, asparagi, om nom nom nom, asparagi...) -- well, pretty much the perfect evening, right there.

Not much else to report. Watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, if you haven't already seen it. What a beautiful movie. Also watch Coraline. Delightfully creepy, with awesome music. I highly enjoyed both those movies, and definitely recommend them.

In school-related news, yesterday I had my orientation meeting for being a Latin TA. To no one's great surprise, I'm still very nervous. But I think it's important to do the things that scare you, so I will.

And in writing-related news, finished a short story start to finish the other night. Just over 1000 words, and needs a lot of work (seems I only remembered about setting half way through), but I think I'm happy enough with the bones. Though it's weird that there's no magic or myth or anything in it... a completely mainstream story? Eek.

And thus ends this post. Apologies for its randomness. Hello again, LJ. (Sorry, but I have no time to read a month's worth of f-list... if I missed something important, link me please!)

So like I mentioned before, my August is pretty crazy.

I'm leaving Thursday for Ottawa, then on Mon Aug 10th my sister and I board a plane for London, England. We spend four or so days exploring London itself (apparently there's a night-time dungeon tour that's awesome and creepy), and then another four or so days taking the train northward, stopping to see whatever we see (Hadrian's Wall!*).

Then we wind up in Glasgow, Scotland, and from there take a plane to Paris, France. We spend seven nights in Paris seeing everything we can cram in (Versailles! The Bastille!**)

We land back in Toronto, Canada on the 26th, and then we're spending the rest of that week and the weekend at our cottage with my boy. Then we all traipse back to Ottawa for a week, which will also be a whirl since the boy has to meet folks there. Then the boy and I head to his parents' place for Labour Day weekend, and then on Sept 7th I will finally get to collapse again on my own bed back here.

So yeah... whirlwind August. Don't look for much/anything from me here until at least the second week of September. Play nice while I'm gone.

Bye LJ, see you again in September.
 

* You guys remember that I'm a classics nerd, yes? Hadrian is like my favourite emperor evar. Don't ask why. He was just cool.

** When I brought up the Bastille shortly after bringing up the Tower of London and the London dungeon tour I'd heard about, my sister pointed out that I seem to want to have a dungeon theme going on for this trip. It may be true. We'll see.

If ideas were all it took to be a writer, I'd have at least 15 or 20 books on the shelves by now.

Yep, got another new novel idea last night. And man, it's awesome. It's dark, morally confused, and full of magic. Makes me want to ignore everything else and bash out a thousand or so words of plot, world and character notes. And I should, right? It's new and shiny and I'm pretty sure this one is The One.

Except I thought that about my current project too. And the one before that, and...

I finally realized what's happening. I hit the middle. Everything is set up and progressing steadily towards the end, but we're not there yet, and it's a grind to get the words down. And right on cue along comes a newer, sexier idea, promising to be way more fun than this old thing I'm with now.

Too many times I've let myself be seduced by the new idea, so it's not going to happen this time. I will get a complete draft of my current WIP -- even though that will probably only be around 10k (awkward length, I know), it will still be the longest thing I've ever finished. I just have to plow through the middle.

I'm going to take a few jot notes of the new idea, just in case I forget something. But it's not the book I'm writing now. It's probably not going to be the book I write next, either. Even though it's totally awesome.

(P.s. no love to lj for eating my entry. Had to write it twice. The first version was so much better.)

I shared my shower today with a spider and a fruitfly. That is entirely too many insect companions. Two too many.

Ewww, bugs. Like one of my profs said, they always get you when you're naked.

Some people are posting today about neat things like their novel revision process. I'm posting about bugs. Oh yeah.

Incidentally, writer-types on my f-list, that post and the other revision posts before it are all really interesting. Obviously everyone's mileage will vary, but it's neat to see what one person's revision process looks like. Plus, the cool thing about writer tips is that they don't apply to just one thing. I'm no where near the novel revision stage, but there were still two things in that post that made me go "ohhhhhh, yeah, that."

And now, I have to go pour myself a bowl of cereal, work for a few hours, and think thinky thoughts about curtains, boxes, and distorted glass until 12:30 when it's lunch time and writing time.

My weekend was lovely, in that exhausting-but-fun sort of way. My cousin's show was fabulous; I definitely think we saw some real up and comers in that scene, and my cousin wasn't out of place among them at all. He didn't win, but the main benefits of this competition is meeting agents and producers and those sorts of useful contacts (the writer in me wanted to write agents, editors and publishers), and he still gets to do that. So that's really great for him, and I hope things keep looking up for him.

The Games on Saturday were also fun. My group took second place (out of three, ssh) and had a great time. And one of the girls I teach competed for her very first time, and came away with a first and a second (unless it was a second and a third, can't quite remember, bad me). She was so excited that she got a stamp. Made me super happy that she did so well. Our other girls all did quite well too, though it was really tough competition in the afternoon.

The rest of the Games was fun, though we missed the caber toss and the sheepdog trials. The massed bands were great, especially their truly wonderful performance of Amazing Grace. About 8 pipers played the verses, with all the other pipers and drummers joining in for the chorus. Really fabulous. It's been a couple years since I've listened to massed bands like that. Reminds me of why I love Games, and why I'll never quit dancing etc. I may not take a lot from the cultures in my rather ecclectic heritage, but highland dancing and everything that comes with it definitely can't be cut out of my life. That, and kropsu.

Anyways, I'll post pictures and videos if I ever get my grubby little hands on them. (Didn't have my camera with me).

In other news, I was going to start posting writing progress/goals every Sunday. I still think I'm going to, and that it will help me, but I've decided I'm not going to start that until September. The rest of July has to be focused on my summer job and on trip planning, and pretty much all of August is taken up by travelling. (Visit to boy's parents, meet up with sister, travel to England/Scotland/France, back to Canada, few days at the cottage, visit to Ottawa, visit to boy's parents -- that takes me from the August long weekend to the end of the Labour Day long weekend. It's going to be fun... but I am so going to be ready to drop into my own bed again come Sept 8th.) So yeah. Don't look for much from me in August.

Not that you'd ever notice from the amount I post, but I'll be gone for a couple days, folks. This afternoon we're heading over to meet up with some of my family, and go watch my cousin-the-standup-comedian do his thing in Toronto. I'm really excited for him.

Tomorrow is the Cambridge Highland Games. I'm just competeing in the group choreography... ours is called "Rhythm of the Pride Lands" and at one point we leap like gazelles. (At least I think we're supposed to look like gazelles or something. I think I just look like I'm in the middle of panicking.) (Which of course, I am, cause I still don't know the dance perfectly all the way through.)

Anyways, pretty cool, and our costumes are great. So if you're not at the Games, you're probably missing out. Though the real dance you're missing out on is the junior junior group choreography from our studio, "Flamenco Fling". They have little hand claps and everything. Sooo cute. Will try and post vids after Saturday.

In writerly news, just been working on my LM draft, and poking a couple short stories that mostly don't poke back yet, so I leave them alone again. I've been mulling over some thoughts on confidence/insecurity as it relates to serious wannabe authors*, so expect a post about that within the week. Assuming I ever make said mullings coherent.

*In my mind, there are two types of aspiring authors: those who think they can just whip up the Next Great American/Canadian/whatever Novel and it will be published and they will become the next JK Rowling (or Christopher Paolini, if they're younger), and those who take the time to do the research, learn the markets, and consider it a serious business (but still secretly hope to be the next JK Rowling).

P.s. to caw : I made the boy watch Go Go G-Boys last night, and he said he liked it xDD

Ouchie.

It's been, I don't know, twelve or so years since I've had an ear infection. Forgot how much the damn things hurt.

Antibiotics and ibuprofen are my friends. (Also a phone call to my mom. Fixes just about anything.)

Also, yet another reason the boy is awesome: he watched How I Met Your Mother episodes with me, one after the other at an ungodly hour of the morning, because I could not sleep while I felt like someone was drilling through one side of my head.

If you want me, I'll be over here, with my pills and kleenex. And proofreading, and writing. After I do groceries. And laundry.

The words are magical again today.

They haven't been for a while, and it feels so good.

I hope everyone else has as good a writing day.

ETA: oh shit. These words are turning into a paranormal story... a pretty long one, I have the feeling. (I thought I wrote secondary world fantasy novels, not urban fantasy/paranormal novels...) And here I was, naively thinking I could whip off a first draft of a short story in a couple days. Stupid words. Stupid, lovely words.

Open memo to 2009,

Stop being such a bitch to my friends. You've been pretty good to me, some health issues but nothing major and I can't complain, but seriously. Stop beating up on people I care about.

The universe works on balance. So I hope your second half has a lot of really amazing things in store for them to make up for the first half.

Please.

Yours truly,

Lillian

Noooooo! Lone Star Stories is closed! 

This makes me so sad, guys. LSS has been my most wanted market for more than a year, and now one of my stories will never be in it.

At least I did submit a poem there once.

This is depressing news, especially given I spent hours yesterday searching for markets for a couple of my poems, and didn't find any that felt like a good fit.

(And yes, I am slow to hear about it. I've been busy. But it still is a blow.)

I think these lyrics are good ones for me to keep in mind. I know I don't want to let myself get stuck in the rut I was raised in. This song is a good anthem for that, a reminder that it's my choice, and I can change my own life. I can't change my father, or even my mother, but I myself, that is entirely up to me. Forward progress.


Oh, I have hated and loved you,
I have hidden behind you,
but I finally see.
You, I've mistaken for destiny,
but the truth is my legacy
is not up to my genes.
True, though the imprint is deep in me
it will always be up to me.

Up to me.

The dance recital was last night, and it went off beautifully. It was set to end at 9pm, and the last dance finished somewhere around 8:30. Granted there were still awards and such to be given out, but still, how often does that happen with a dance recital? They usually go overtime by a fair chunk, or just don't have a set ending time to begin with. I was impressed.

The boy got lucky for his first time watching a dance recital... now he thinks they're not that bad. He'll learn. =P It was nice to have someone there watching just for me again. Haven't had that since my last recital in Ottawa. And he liked the piper, so next step.... massed bands at the Games! Mwaha.

Of course something had to go wrong... The sound system for whatever reason was cutting off the introduction of each dance. My first dance lost almost half a step. But everyone handled it beautifully, and improvised until they found their starting spot to jump in again. It was really impressive considering some of those girls were only 6 or so. And after a few dances the music did get sorted out, and the rest of the dances started from the beginning.

My class performed pretty much flawlessly, and I was so so very proud of them. Their Footloose choreography was awesome, and probably my favourite number from the whole show (though of course I'm biased). And the mother of one of my girls came up to me after the recital to tell me how much her daughter had enjoyed this past year in dance, and to thank me for being her daughter's teacher and doing such a great job with the girls. =) Made me extremely happy. And along the same lines, I got a teacher gift from the school's director. A beautiful pair of silver earrings, teardrop shaped but with a celtic/heart pattern. They're gorgeous, and she wrote a very sweet card to go with them. Even made me tear up a bit, because apparently I'm a big sap lately. It was such a nice thing for her to do though, and I'm really grateful.

I'm not sure how well my own performance went, but at least I was dancing hard enough that by the end my legs could barely support me, so I think that's a good sign. I really have lost a lot of my leg strength though, I'd like to maybe take some extra lessons so I can get at least some of it back before Cambridge Highland Games... can't let the kids beat me TOO badly! I think my technique may be slipping too... not sure how strong my arms were or my feet. I suspect my feet (points and closed positions mainly) were not very tidy. But one thing I do know is that my head and body presentation are still pretty good.

Anyways, then walked home, dropped off my costumes etc, and went to Tim Horton's for some soup cause I was way too tired to make myself anything and I hadn't eaten dinner. Funny how adrenaline makes you forget food. After that, just showered and crashed. Was a great time, but tiring. Was up at 8 for studio pictures, only home from that at 2, back out to be at the recital for 5.

Only bad thing about the day was the %^&$ blackfly that bit me right on my cheekbone. Last night it looked like I'd gotten clocked in the face. Today it's not quite as bad, but itchy. (I am being good and not scratching.)

(And for anyone holding their breath, oats are officially not bad, which means weird reaction was to either walnuts or nutmeg or was just a bizarre fluke and isn't linked to anything.)