you live your life as if it's real

The words are magical again today.

They haven't been for a while, and it feels so good.

I hope everyone else has as good a writing day.

ETA: oh shit. These words are turning into a paranormal story... a pretty long one, I have the feeling. (I thought I wrote secondary world fantasy novels, not urban fantasy/paranormal novels...) And here I was, naively thinking I could whip off a first draft of a short story in a couple days. Stupid words. Stupid, lovely words.

Open memo to 2009,

Stop being such a bitch to my friends. You've been pretty good to me, some health issues but nothing major and I can't complain, but seriously. Stop beating up on people I care about.

The universe works on balance. So I hope your second half has a lot of really amazing things in store for them to make up for the first half.

Please.

Yours truly,

Lillian

Noooooo! Lone Star Stories is closed! 

This makes me so sad, guys. LSS has been my most wanted market for more than a year, and now one of my stories will never be in it.

At least I did submit a poem there once.

This is depressing news, especially given I spent hours yesterday searching for markets for a couple of my poems, and didn't find any that felt like a good fit.

(And yes, I am slow to hear about it. I've been busy. But it still is a blow.)

I think these lyrics are good ones for me to keep in mind. I know I don't want to let myself get stuck in the rut I was raised in. This song is a good anthem for that, a reminder that it's my choice, and I can change my own life. I can't change my father, or even my mother, but I myself, that is entirely up to me. Forward progress.


Oh, I have hated and loved you,
I have hidden behind you,
but I finally see.
You, I've mistaken for destiny,
but the truth is my legacy
is not up to my genes.
True, though the imprint is deep in me
it will always be up to me.

Up to me.

The dance recital was last night, and it went off beautifully. It was set to end at 9pm, and the last dance finished somewhere around 8:30. Granted there were still awards and such to be given out, but still, how often does that happen with a dance recital? They usually go overtime by a fair chunk, or just don't have a set ending time to begin with. I was impressed.

The boy got lucky for his first time watching a dance recital... now he thinks they're not that bad. He'll learn. =P It was nice to have someone there watching just for me again. Haven't had that since my last recital in Ottawa. And he liked the piper, so next step.... massed bands at the Games! Mwaha.

Of course something had to go wrong... The sound system for whatever reason was cutting off the introduction of each dance. My first dance lost almost half a step. But everyone handled it beautifully, and improvised until they found their starting spot to jump in again. It was really impressive considering some of those girls were only 6 or so. And after a few dances the music did get sorted out, and the rest of the dances started from the beginning.

My class performed pretty much flawlessly, and I was so so very proud of them. Their Footloose choreography was awesome, and probably my favourite number from the whole show (though of course I'm biased). And the mother of one of my girls came up to me after the recital to tell me how much her daughter had enjoyed this past year in dance, and to thank me for being her daughter's teacher and doing such a great job with the girls. =) Made me extremely happy. And along the same lines, I got a teacher gift from the school's director. A beautiful pair of silver earrings, teardrop shaped but with a celtic/heart pattern. They're gorgeous, and she wrote a very sweet card to go with them. Even made me tear up a bit, because apparently I'm a big sap lately. It was such a nice thing for her to do though, and I'm really grateful.

I'm not sure how well my own performance went, but at least I was dancing hard enough that by the end my legs could barely support me, so I think that's a good sign. I really have lost a lot of my leg strength though, I'd like to maybe take some extra lessons so I can get at least some of it back before Cambridge Highland Games... can't let the kids beat me TOO badly! I think my technique may be slipping too... not sure how strong my arms were or my feet. I suspect my feet (points and closed positions mainly) were not very tidy. But one thing I do know is that my head and body presentation are still pretty good.

Anyways, then walked home, dropped off my costumes etc, and went to Tim Horton's for some soup cause I was way too tired to make myself anything and I hadn't eaten dinner. Funny how adrenaline makes you forget food. After that, just showered and crashed. Was a great time, but tiring. Was up at 8 for studio pictures, only home from that at 2, back out to be at the recital for 5.

Only bad thing about the day was the %^&$ blackfly that bit me right on my cheekbone. Last night it looked like I'd gotten clocked in the face. Today it's not quite as bad, but itchy. (I am being good and not scratching.)

(And for anyone holding their breath, oats are officially not bad, which means weird reaction was to either walnuts or nutmeg or was just a bizarre fluke and isn't linked to anything.)

Seems many of my friends have had to change their diet for health reasons lately. Found out yesterday that I have to as well.

So I don't know how many of you know this already, but for those who don't, I haven't been feeling myself lately. Always tired, though I get 8-9 hours of solid sleep a night. I've always had shakey hands but it's gotten quite a bit worse recently, and a couple weeks ago I fainted. (Well, the doctor corrected me: I "experienced pre-faint symptoms" -- nausea, loss of vision and loss of motor control/balance, no loss of consciousness.)

Saw my doctor yesterday, and she thinks that while I may not have hypoglycemia, I at least have hypoglycemic tendancies. I'm still waiting on the blood work, of course, which I suspect will tell me I have anemia. So anyways, I have to always have a snack accessible for when I feel myself getting shakey: one fast sugar and one slow sugar. My doctor suggested as an example a glass of juice and some nuts or a granola bar. She says after a bit of controling my blood sugar I'll learn to tell before I get shakey when I need a snack like that.

She also said I need to add more protein and complex carbohydrates to my diet, and I need to change my meals so that I a) get a lot more calories, and b) get those calories mostly earlier in the day. Considering I only recently started to eat breakfast at all, and right now I tend to just have a bowl of cereal and some yogurt for breakfast and that seems very big to me... I'm not sure how to manage that. I guess just slowly start to retrain my body to want more food in the morning. Or at least start eating bigger lunches so I don't want as big dinners.

So that was all sort of a lot to take in, but I figured I was okay with it overall, and if it will help me get back to being able to focus and feel like a regular human being again, hey, I'm all for a diet change. The discipline will probably be good for me.

This morning I decided to start right away being good. So I made myself some oatmeal: oats, brown sugar, cinamon, nutmeg and chopped walnuts. Poured a bit of milk on top of it and man it looked and smelled delicious. Took one bite that barely passed my lips and felt something wrong/weird. It felt like my lip was a bit swollen, so I spat out what I had in my mouth and checked in the mirror and yep. So obviously I haven't eaten any more of the oatmeal cause I have no idea what caused that. And my lip still has this ridge along the underside of it, long and slightly harder/lumpy... it feels somewhat like freezing has mostly finished coming out but not quite.

I have no idea what caused it. I've eaten all of those things before, and love them. Best guess candidates right now are nutmeg or walnuts, since it's been longest since I've had those. I did notice a hole in the bag of oats, so perhaps they were a bit bad, but on the other hand I tasted my spoon while cooking a couple times and it tasted good and I felt fine (I think spoon checking was before adding either nutmeg or walnuts, which adds to the suspicion that it's one of those). Only other thing I could think of was that I washed a container this morning that had some mouldy grapes in it. But I don't think the mould actually touched the container, and I washed it really well. But I don't know, I might have brushed a hair off my face with unwashed hands or something, who knows.

Anyways, the bottom line of that story is I now have a pot of incredibly delicious looking oatmeal going cold on my stove, and I'm too scared to eat it. Also, what have I done to the universe that it would give me a nut allergy the day after I'm told to eat more nuts? I've never been allergic to anything in my life. I really hope it's not the walnuts. I love walnuts so much.

I am so not impressed with my body right now.

I had a dream last night about reading a book. A very specific passage from a very specific book, and I think it might be my subconscious telling me that it's time to read something light and just for fun again. The dream had other things in it too, but the rest of it is sort of fuzzy now.

I think I may listen to my dream, and take a break from Gabriel Garcia Marquez (much as I love his stuff) and read some fantasy that I can just escape in for a while.

In honour of dreaming about reading, today is a writing day. Well, it always was going to be. But now even more so.

Today:
• make kropsu for brunch
• do dishes x2
• dance class
• study for Greek test tomorrow
• finish rereading Chaucer's "The Knight's Tale"
• finish revising "Palamon & Emelye"
• write poem that's been floating in my head the past two days
• find other poems to post to DII
• revise another poem/story (ideally "The Cardinal Box")

I realized something about myself today. I really, really need a routine. I always knew I was the sort of person who fell into routines easily and comfortably, but I didn't realize how much I need a structure to my days. The past month has been crazy, no two days in a row the same... Class Monday and Wednesday, moving, workers coming in to do repairs at all sorts of times, start of summer, on and on. It doesn't help that I make my own hours for my summer job, and it's all too easy to let other things take priority -- even just lazing around on the couch. I wasn't eating that well, and I wasn't writing at all.

Since Tuesday, I have written something every day. Only two of those days have been fiction, but that's okay. I've been more disciplined about the summer job, and I've been waking up earlier.

And I feel so much better. So I'm going to attempt to keep myself to a stricter routine, even in the summer. Basically wake up around 8, work all day (alternating between schoolwork, work-work, and housework as I need breaks from each), then write and veg in the evening, and sleep around midnight. I think that will result in a dramatically happier me.

You'd think I would have figured this out before now. Better late than never, I guess.

Don't you love the days when even though you're only outside for maybe a grand total of ten minutes, of course it's those ten minutes that the skies open and it downpours? Go ahead, ask me how waiting for the bus this morning went.

Actually, I like being out in the rain. But now I'm sitting in the library, barefoot and wet shoes beside me, with my pants rolled up around my calves cause the bottoms got soaked. I imagine it's quite the fashion statement.

And of course, it's stopped raining now, and the sun is even making a bid for freedom. I doubt it'll win, but it's nice to see it trying.

What's the point of this entry? Procrastination, obviously. I have Greek to translate, critiques to write, and many hours of work to put in on my summer job... and instead of starting on any of that, or even thinking about it, my mind is still fiddling away with the poem I wrote a draft of last night.

Here's hoping that my subconscious works hard all day, so I'm productive when I get time to write this evening.

Today's to do:
• Daphnis and Chloe trans. I.22.2 - I.25.3
• finish AC ch 21 crit, crit AC ch 22 & 23
• proofread min. 3 hrs ((not gonna happen))
• go to class
• go to bank re: mastercard ((leaving this for another day))
• make dinner (do groceries?) ((leaving groceries for another day))
• do dishes
• clean up the mess the bathroom re-tiling guys left behind
• write!

Hey guess what! My poem "in the still dark morning" is live today at everydaypoets.com!

And it's a gorgeous day out, so I am happy =)

Please, go read, and comment there too if you want!

Things I Have Done In the Past Fourteen Days,
Or, Reasons Why I Have Been So Absent From the Internet
by Lillian Wheeler

• packed up all my stuff at my old place
• wrote Roman Lit exam
• became an admin at DII
• bused from Waterloo to Ottawa
• dealt with 4 or 5 potential subletters
• did my taxes thrice (apparently wasn't very with-it that day)
• did my brother's taxes
• photocopied all my mom's medical stuff for her taxes
• made a curry, a lasagna and a chocolate cake
• saw my favourite bluebonnets ever
• took pictures of my sister's riding
• got my frozen bank account reactivated
• drove to Kingston and back to Ottawa
• watched two of my sister's basketball games
• had a lovely evening with the one and only caw 
• packed up my stuff in Ottawa
• drove from Ottawa to Waterloo
• moved all my stuff from old place to new place
• bought geoaspartame a going away present
• hung out with geoaspartame before she left for Halifax for 4 months
• drove from Waterloo to Mississauga
• had lunch with my dad and Nana
• took my Nana to her eye doctor's appointment
• watched this week's House ep and fangirled with my two aunts ahaha
• watched an ep of Castle and must watch more sometime
• visited/had dinner with my aunt and uncle from Mississauga as well as my aunt and uncle from Saskatchewan
• found out my cousin won the western just for laughs competition and will be coming to do shows over here!
• drove back to Waterloo via Ikea and bought a bookcase
• attended Greek class twice
• found out my marks from last term kicked all sorts of ass (90 average for the term, 86 overall, hoshit)
• proved again and again I am a horrible worrywart and worried constantly
• started unpacking my stuff, got my desk more or less sorted
• dealt with the very nice worker-types who came to install washer and dryer

No promises that list is all inclusive. The past two weeks feel like they've lasted a month at least. I am ready for a bit of downtime. And I haven't written in far too long. LM has been niggling at me again recently though, so may give it a poke and see what happens. Also been listening to little else except Leonard Cohen recently, which usually puts me into a flurry of writing poetry. (Actually, it was during the last time that happened that I wrote "in the still dark morning").

Anyways, sorry for the radio silence, but I think I'm back (somewhat) now. Still don't have internet at the new place yet, but I don't think that will take long. Fingers crossed, at least.

I love Spring. Granted, it's muddy and wet and windy -- walking home today the wind was strong enough to blow my earphones out of my ears more than once -- but the great thing about Spring is that every time you step outside there's something new to see, it seems.

On Wednesday walking home from the grocery store, I saw these lovely birds that I'd never seen before, eating last year's currants off a bush. Looked them up on Google later on, found out they're cedar waxwings. Haven't seen them again yet, but I'm excited to.

This morning walking to dance exams, I saw that the daffodils in the park are out. I love love love the first flowers of Spring, it just makes me feel so much better, and daffodils are a good one cause they're so bright. Plus, seeing them in bloom also means that there are at least two shoots in the garden in the park that I have no idea what they are. I know, surprising for me with my vast horticultural knowledge, but it's true.

(I kid. As far as shoots go, I can recognize three: tulips, crocuses (croci?) and daffodils.) Anyways, very excited to see what the two mystery shoots turn out to be.

Then this evening, I was walking home from dance exams through the same park, which also has a small "zoo" in it, and I saw this giant bird... its tail fanned out was astonishing. It was really neat, and had such a crowd of kids with their parents around it. Looked more or less like a white peafowl, which I guess must be what it was, but I'm not certain cause its tail was much less... light and feathery... seemed a lot more solid, and also had brown markings on it. So I dunno. Not only am I not a horticultural expert, I'm also no ornithologist.

The other fun thing about walking through that park is that it's smack in the middle between two universities, but also attracts a ton of small kids and their parents, because of the little zoo. You know, there isn't a whole lot of difference between the kids and the university students, at least not when faced with two miniature horses.

(In other news, folks in Ottawa, I'll be back for a week April 25th - May 1st, if I didn't tell you this already.)

Happy Easter, everyone!

And guess what? My story, "A Thing of Many Facets" is live today, wheeee :)

So check it out!

This story was a big learning curve for me, I think. I read it now and see things I would do differently, hopefully better, but I'm still proud of this story, even in its imperfection.

Hope you all had a great Easter weekend -- I sure did. Though now I have to study for my Latin exam tomorrow morning, which is a bit of a downer. Guess that's where the 238472938 pounds of chocolate I came away with from the weekend come into play.

What's new?

Friday I finished a 3000 word paper (that never reached 3000 words) and saw my first robin of Spring.
Saturday the boy and I bought lemon merengue pie.
Sunday I solved a Rubik's cube all by myself, and "Paradise" got rejected again. I think it needs another stanza.
Today I wrote a latin test and gave my 50 minute presentation.

And other stuff happened too, of course. I checked out the Second Annual Mechatronics Symposium, for one. My friend had a walking robot he wanted me to see, though I don't think my reaction was exactly what he was looking for. I said it was cute.

Maybe I should get Twitter after all. 5000 more words of essay to go, Greek and Roman lit. Term is almost over, yay.

(May I have my brain back now please?)

Deep in the throes of essay-hate (PSA: if you want to preserve your sanity, don't use 3 obscure medieval Saints' Lives as your primary sources), but I emerge to bring you all an exciting piece of news!

My poem, "in the still dark morning," has just been accepted by Every Day Poets, hurray! I don't have a pub date yet, but rest assured I will let you know when I do. :)

I love this poem alot, so I'm glad it's found a home. And-and-and, this is my first ever poetry sale. Woo!

And in other exciting news -- look at me, posting about something not writing or school related, shocking! -- last night the boy and I booked package tickets for Dirty Dancing in Toronto (room at the Sheraton, 3 course meal at the Sheraton, theatre ticket). So we're spending March 28-29 in Toronto, and hopefully on the Sunday we'll score some cheap tickets to see We Will Rock You too. bluebonnets, I think you've inspired me to see as many shows as possible, hahah. Anyways, I'm soooo excited, and life is looking quite awesome, as long as I look beyond my essays.

What does school really count for in the long run though, right? I'm just doing it cause I love what I'm studying. Pretty sure only my partner in crime ("crime" here equals "honours classics with language specialization") and I could get so happy about hearing what we're going to be reading in Greek class this summer/next year (the Greek novella, and love and erotica in the Greek lyrics, since you asked), or get sad at not being able to take up our prof's invitation to come to her house and translate Oedipus.

"Sparagmos"

Starting count: 1,277
Ending count: 2,246
Change: + 969

Starting line: "The night was beautiful, no wind and as dark as he could have wished."
Ending line: "It took the police far longer."
Darling: "He would witness whatever excesses they got up to tonight." (It's only good if you know the irony. Oh gods, the irony!)

And that's a draft! Oy vey, finally. Only took, what, a year and a half? Hate the very end right now, and the beginning needs a lot of work, but that's okay. I can ignore this one for a while now because I HAVE A DRAFT.

YAY.

(Also have written a handful of poems over the past few days but they aren't enough to bother with metrics like this for. And wrote probably something like 600 words of outline for my two essays today, so yay! Very productive writing day. Oh yeah, and subbed one poem yesterday and two today.)

Essay death-march begins.

Two to research and write in 10 days. (Not both due in 10 days, but my sister is visiting so I want them done before then).

And what am I doing this afternoon/evening? Dress shopping!

... don't worry, I'll be good and start researching the Jews in the Hellenistic era after that.

Now, dress shopping! :D

I really have been bad at updating this thing. Even news about writing I've let slip by without note, and that's usually what I post most about.

So then, what's new in my writing life? Well, I've been working on poetry more than anything else recently, but that's not the main thing.

I got paid. 20$ for 500 words. That's a semi-pro rate. Of course, the piece was still rejected, but I'll take it! First ever money from writing, yay!

And yesterday I submitted a poem to Lone Star Stories. Today I was rejected. No surprise there. I'll sub the piece again, but I'm going to need to do some market research first.

I'm going out for dinner tonight, and this definitely makes me happy. So much for not spending money!

I want to write here, but it's been so long since I've posted I feel like I have nothing to say. Or maybe it's that I have too much. So let's just go with today.

I wrote my last midterm for this term. Also I finished The Favourite Game by Leonard Cohen, and have been useless for anything else except tinkering with one poem ever since. Dear lord, the way that man writes.

I called my sister for her birthday. And now I have Greek translation to do, and perhaps a crit for DII. Early bedtime tonight, if I can.

Nothing interesting today guys, sorry. Just one of those days where I need a list.

• eat breakfast
• make lunch & enough for leftovers for weekday lunches
• eat lunch
• make dinner & enough for leftovers for weekday lunches
• eat dinner
• do yesterday's dishes
• do lunch/dinner dishes
• translate medieval latin english to latin sentence
• do laundry
• do laundry
• fold and put away laundry
• research Teuta for hellenistic history presentation (OCD, Green, Wilkes, class textbooks, primary sources)
• make hand-out for hellenistic history presentation
• prepare and practice hellenistic history presentation
• ... I must be forgetting some things... Oh yeah, knew I was forgetting something:
• do a crit for DII
• maybe grab a shower

Okay, back to work.